Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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