You were right. It hurts to walk today.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Drake has all the answers
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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