If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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