Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
