i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
