She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
