I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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