if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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