I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
