areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Randomize
