I skipped work to stalk him.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
