Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
