If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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