So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
