I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
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