dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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