R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
