Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Is it because I queefed?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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