What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
