i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
