I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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