I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
