And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize
