i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
