just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
