You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
