So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
