My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
