Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
