You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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