I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
