Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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