Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
