Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
