Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
