the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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