i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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