i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
