This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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