They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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