She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
