He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
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