just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
he thought i was a dude.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
