just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
