Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
