so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
