Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
