A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
