My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
