I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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