Sponge bath it is.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
